In Him shall I find strength

Recently I've been going through one of the toughest times I've ever had to work through in my life. I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say I'm in a lot of pain emotionally and spiritually. I have to constantly remind myself that God is in control of the entire universe, including my life, and His will is going to be done no matter what people try to change. Sometimes His will and my will are the same, those are the easy times. It's times when God takes my life places that I truly do NOT want to go that I have to learn to trust Him. I'm no great man of amazing faith or anything like that, but I can say that I trust my Daddy in heaven and know that His will is the best. Although right now I feel like my heart is screaming at the top of my lungs, I know that even through this valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil, and I can impeccably trust my heavenly Father above to let His will be done with my life. Perhaps His will is the same as mine is, but at least for now, it definitely does not seem like it.
I must say that it's the times when my pain is greatest that I have learned to put my trust in Christ whole-heartedly. Sometimes I wonder if God just sees me not trusting Him, so he puts rough spots in my path so I have no choice but to hold His hand, or fall off the edge of the cliff. A lot of people who go through rough times just fall off the edge, and ruin their life. I personally choose to hold onto the hand of Christ Jesus, and know that He will never let me down.
In rough times, I tend to blame myself a lot, and especially here lately, I've been wondering if I'm even worth anything. I just feel like I've failed everybody around me, and haven't made the right decisions, and in general feel like a looser. The words of a song I have by Jason Grey keep running through my head:

Losers, all the lovely losers
who never thought you'd hear your name
Outside, always on the outside
empty at the wishing well, but time will tell

Blessed be the ones who know that they are weak
they shall see the kingdom come to the broken ones

I feed a lot off of music, it helps me to listen to songs that I can relate to the lyrics. These last few days I've been jumping all over musically in ways that I usually don't do. First, I'll be listening to sad country songs (which I hardly EVER do normally) then, I'll just start putting on Christian hardcore/metal, which helps me vent my anger at Satan instead of letting it get penned up inside. Then I'll start listening to more of my normal music, like punk/techno/alternative stuff. I think I've probably listened to these two or three songs I have by a band named "skillet" at least a hundred times in the last four days. In fact, the song I have on my blog I just put on repeat and sung along with while I was working for like three hours straight. Yea. weird. I know, but I can relate to the lyrics, and it just helps me deal with the pain I'm going through.

Today I'm leaving for a youth conference in Springfield for the rest of the weekend. I hope I will be able to connect with God better because of it, and hopefully get some healing inside. I know I'll have fun there, and although things may never be the same in my life, I know that God's will is going to be done, no matter how much we little humans try to change it. Two years from now I may look back at this time in my life and laugh at myself. Right now I sure don't feel like laughing though. It's a struggle for me to just keep a reasonable normal happy attitude on, let alone actually laugh. Please pray for me as I struggle through this mess that is my life right now. I feel closer than ever, yet further that usual with God at the same time, which really doesn't make sense unless you've been where I am now, but at any rate, I can use all your prayers :)

I raise my eyes toward the mountains. From where will my help come? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. God will not allow your foot to slip; your guardian does not sleep. Truly, the guardian of Israel never slumbers nor sleeps. The LORD is your guardian; the LORD is your shade at your right hand. By day the sun cannot harm you, nor the moon by night. The LORD will guard you from all evil, will always guard your life. The LORD will guard your coming and going both now and forever.

~Psalm 121~